000001 IDENTIFICATION DIVISION. 000002 PROGRAM-ID. REAL-LIFE. 000003 ENVIRONMENT DIVISION. 000004 CONFIGURATION SECTION. 000005 SOURCE-COMPUTER. FUN-AND-GAMES. 000006 OBJECT-COMPUTER. BLOOD-AND-SWEAT. 000007 INPUT-OUTPUT SECTION. 000008 FILE-CONTROL. 000009 SELECT WOMB ASSIGN TO OUTPUT, "Mother". 000010 SELECT TOMB ASSIGN TO INPUT, "Cemetary". 000011 SELECT PLAYBOY ASSIGN TO INPUT, "Playboy". 000012 DATA DIVISION. 000013 FILE SECTION. 000014 FD WOMB LABEL RECORD STANDARD. 000015 01 X1 PIC X(120). 000016 FD TOMB LABEL RECORD STANDARD. 000017 01 X2 PIC X(120). 000018 FD PLAYBOY LABEL RECORD STANDARD. 000019 01 X3 PIC X(120). 000020 WORKING-STORAGE SECTION. 000021 01 COFFEE PIC 9. 000022 01 COLD PIC 9. 000023 01 LIFE PIC 9. 000024 01 DISAPPOINTMENT-IN-AMOUNT PIC 9. 000025 01 END-OF-FILE PIC 9. 000026 01 FEET PIC 9. 000027 01 FLOOR PIC 9. 000028 01 BODY PIC 9. 000029 01 SCALES PIC 9. 000030 01 POUNDS PIC 9. 000031 01 YOUR-TOTAL-WEIGHT PIC 9. 000032 01 SNACK-BAR-LUNCH-SPECIAL PIC 9. 000033 01 SWILL PIC 9. 000034 01 TO-STOMACH PIC 9. 000035 01 HEART-BURN PIC 9. 000036 01 TASKS PIC 9. 000037 01 BORING-YOU-DAY-IN PIC 9. 000038 01 DAY-OUT PIC 9. 000039 01 FRUSTRATION PIC 9. 000040 01 YOU-CAN-STAND PIC 9. 000041 01 NERVES PIC 9. 000042 01 SHOT PIC 9. 000043 01 TODAY PIC 9. 000044 01 PAYDAY PIC 9. 000045 01 PAYCHECK PIC 9. 000046 01 CHECKBOOK PIC 9. 000047 01 TOO-LITTLE-IN-IT PIC 9. 000048 01 FUDGE-FACTOR PIC 9. 000049 01 CHECK PIC 9. 000050 01 BOUNCED PIC 9. 000051 01 NOW PIC 9. 000052 01 FOUR-FIFTEEN PIC 9. 000053 01 QUITTING-TIME PIC 9. 000054 01 FOUR-FORTY-FIVE PIC 9. 000055 01 BOSS PIC 9. 000056 01 GONE PIC 9. 000057 01 CENTERFOLD PIC X(120). 000058 01 EYEBALLS PIC X. 000059 01 PUSHING-THEM-BACK-IN PIC X. 000060 01 BUG-OUT PIC X. 000061 01 PAPER-ON-LEFT-SIDE PIC X. 000062 01 RIGHT-SIDE-OF-DESK PIC X. 000063 01 PAPER-ON-RIGHT-SIDE PIC X. 000064 01 LEFT-SIDE-OF-DESK PIC X. 000065 01 THAT PIC X. 000066 01 HERE PIC X. 000067 01 THIS PIC X. 000068 01 THERE PIC X. 000069 01 INFLATION PIC 9. 000070 01 TOO-MANY-BILLS PIC 9. 000071 01 HEADACHE PIC 9. 000072 01 CHECKING-ACCOUNT PIC 9. 000073 01 OVERDRAWN PIC 9. 000074 01 BILLS PIC 9. 000075 01 DISTRESS PIC 9. 000076 01 TOO-MUCH-FOR-TAXES PIC 9. 000077 01 IRS PIC 9. 000078 PROCEDURE DIVISION. 000079 DECLARATIVES. 000080 PLAY SECTION. 000081 USE AFTER ERROR PROCEDURE PLAYBOY. 000082 PLAYTEST. 000083 MOVE THIS TO THAT. 000084 END DECLARATIVES. 000085 BEGIN-PROGRAM SECTION. 000086 WEIGHT-WATCHERS. 000087 EXIT. 000088 GROUCHY. 000089 MOVE THIS TO THAT. 000090 WHEELIE. 000091 MOVE THIS TO THAT. 000092 ENDLESS-LOOP. 000093 MOVE THIS TO THAT. 000094 SHRINK. 000095 MOVE THIS TO THAT. 000096/ 000097***** 000098* 000099* This is a COBOL Program to perform Life. 000100* Some critics say this program doesn't make any sense; 000101* but then neither does life. 000102* 000103***** 000104* 000105 BEGIN-LIFE. 000106 OPEN OUTPUT WOMB. 000107 PERFORM DAILY-GRIND UNTIL LIFE = END-OF-FILE. 000108 CLOSE TOMB. 000109 STOP RUN. 000110* 000111 DAILY-GRIND. 000112 GO TO WAKE-UP. 000113 WAKE-UP. 000114 MOVE FEET TO FLOOR. 000115 GO TO WORK. 000116 WORK. 000117 GO TO HOME. 000118 HOME. 000119 GO TO BED. 000120 BED. 000121 GO TO SLEEP. 000122 SLEEP. 000123 GO TO DO-IT-AGAIN. 000124 DO-IT-AGAIN. 000125 IF COFFEE = COLD GO TO GROUCHY. 000126 PERFORM STUPID-CHORE. 000127 IF SNACK-BAR-LUNCH-SPECIAL = SWILL 000128 ADD SWILL TO-STOMACH GIVING HEART-BURN. 000129 PERFORM DRUDGERY VARYING TASKS 000130 FROM BORING-YOU-DAY-IN BY DAY-OUT 000131 UNTIL FRUSTRATION IS GREATER THAN YOU-CAN-STAND. 000132 IF NERVES = SHOT GO TO SHRINK. 000133 IF TODAY = PAYDAY 000134 ACCEPT PAYCHECK 000135 DISPLAY DISAPPOINTMENT-IN-AMOUNT 000136 PERFORM BUDGET-BALANCING-ACT VARYING CHECKBOOK 000137 FROM TOO-LITTLE-IN-IT BY FUDGE-FACTOR 000138 UNTIL CHECK = BOUNCED. 000139 IF NOW = FOUR-FIFTEEN AND QUITTING-TIME = FOUR-FORTY-FIVE 000140 IF BOSS = GONE 000141 PERFORM EARLY-EXIT 000142 ELSE 000143 READ PLAYBOY 000144 INSPECT CENTERFOLD REPLACING ALL EYEBALLS 000145 BY PUSHING-THEM-BACK-IN AFTER INITIAL BUG-OUT. 000146* 000147 STUPID-CHORE. 000148 MOVE PAPER-ON-LEFT-SIDE TO RIGHT-SIDE-OF-DESK. 000149 MOVE PAPER-ON-RIGHT-SIDE TO LEFT-SIDE-OF-DESK. 000150* 000151 DRUDGERY. 000152 MOVE THAT TO HERE. 000153 MOVE THIS TO THERE. 000154 GO TO ENDLESS-LOOP. 000155* 000156 EARLY-EXIT. 000157 GO TO PARKING-LOT. 000158 PARKING-LOT. 000159 PERFORM WHEELIE. 000160 GO TO HOME. 000161* 000162 BUDGET-BALANCING-ACT. 000163 SUBTRACT TOO-MANY-BILLS FROM PAYCHECK GIVING HEADACHE. 000164 MOVE CHECKING-ACCOUNT TO OVERDRAWN. 000165 MULTIPLY BILLS BY INFLATION GIVING DISTRESS. 000166 MOVE TOO-MUCH-FOR-TAXES TO IRS. 000167 END PROGRAM.